Love the Addict
by Suzanne

Being in love with a cocaine addict is tough. You never know whether they mean what they say or if it's the cocaine talking.

Brian has told he loved me numerous times. He could never remember it afterwards though. And I knew that. But still, every time he said it I wanted to believe him so bad. And at times I did believe him. He sounded so sincere and his kisses were so soft and loving. And a kiss doesn't lie right? Wrong. So I got hurt again and again. Because I fell for him every time again.

And then there are the times when he came to tell me he was going to take cocaine. Full of regret and sorrow about the way he'd fucked up his life. Brian lost his job and room because of his addiction. He just wouldn?t show up for work and eventually spend all of his money on cocaine, he couldn't pay his bills anymore.

The first two or three times I believed him. And he wouldn't take any drugs that night. He would the next night though. And I would be crushed.

I cared for him so much I started to suffer from his addiction as well. I spend practically all my free time with him. When I didn't see him I was worried sick. Every time my phone rang my heart stopped for a second, fearing it would be someone telling me Brian OD'ed. I could hardly function anymore. I couldn't concentrate on my school work and dropped out as a result of that. I completely neglected my friends, thankfully they never let me down and eventually helped me get out of the downward spiral I was in.

The hardest part was probably resisting the drugs myself. He must've offered me a line about a thousand times. And the temptation was always there. It was incredibly hard not to take the offer of feeling completely happy and not having to worry that much for a while.

I never gave in though. And I'm still proud of myself for that. I don't want to know what would've happened had I taken him up on the offer. On the other hand I do want to know. I'm curious. It would probably have formed a bond between us and we might have ended up as a couple. I'm still happy it didn't go like that.

It still took me over a year to realize it couldn't go on like that. And with a lot of help from my friends I finally let go of Brian. I still care for him deeply and I still love him. But I learned to move on. Deep in my heart there's still the hope that one day he will kick his addiction and go back the his old self and might have a chance together?